The Funniest Cop Stories Ever by Tom Philbin & Scott Baker

Author:Tom Philbin & Scott Baker
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing LLC
Published: 2006-08-31T21:00:00+00:00

There was this one cop I knew who was really burnt out. He had been in a couple of shootouts, served in the worst area of the city. He had seen a lot—maybe too much—and he just wanted off the job. Like that character in M*A*S*H who dressed like a woman, he did various wacky things like taking cars out with very little gas in them and running them around until they ran out of gas. Then he’d walk back to the precinct, and the sergeant or somebody would say to him, “Where’s your car?”

“Ran out of gas.”

The police department doesn’t know if he’s faking or not, they have to take everything seriously. So they take the cars away from him and put him on a foot post. The first day, he goes to a house where a woman has complained about vandalism to her mailbox, and he starts to take the report. While he’s doing that, he asks the lady, “Can I use your bathroom?”

“Sure,” she says. “No problem.”

So he goes into the bathroom, and she waits a few minutes and then she hears the shower going. A few minutes later he comes out of the bathroom wet, totally nude except for a towel around his waist with his gun belt holding it up, and his hat on.

Freaking out, she calls the precinct, gets the sergeant, and tells him that the officer took a shower in her house. The sergeant rushes over and says to the cop, “What are you doing?”

The cop looks back at the sergeant like he’s the one with a couple of screws loose and says, “She said I could use the bathroom.”

So he gets dressed, and the sergeant takes him back to the station house. He is too whacked to put on the street, so he’s parked at a desk in the complaint room for a month. Then it’s time for him to qualify with his weapon, something all cops have to do.

He goes to the range, aims the revolver, and it doesn’t fire, so the instructor says, “Draw and present.”

The guy opens the chamber and hands the gun to the instructor, who sees there is candy where the bullets should be. Pink in one chamber, white in the next, then pink, then white.

The instructor says, “You know you got Good & Plentys in here?”

“Ah, [Bleep]! The kids were playing with my gun again!”

That was his ticket out.

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